After the CVS, the rest of the pregnancy was a waiting game. We had regular structural scans to watch growth, the main focus still the heart, but also watching for any stunted growth. A major heart scan was done at around 30 weeks, when her tiny heart was big enough for an in depth analysis. The sonographer looked at her heart for over an hour, detailed views, watching blood flow etc. Harper had a perfect heart. We were on the right track, 10 weeks, give or take, and we would know for sure. For the first time in months we were optimistic.
At our weekly sit down with our doctor he told us there was a slight cause for concern with her structure, he asked for our heights, based on genetics our children would most likely be on the smaller side. She was small, not overly small so that in itself wasn't a big issue, the problem was she seemed out of proportion, the top half being longer than her bottom half.Yet another calling card for potential genetic problems. Now, to me, scans are not the most accurate thing in the world, I take everything they say via looking at the scans with a certain amount of leeway, however with the mountain of 'calling cards' she exhibited, along with the mounds of statistics thrown at us, it was yet another let down.
We were on the home straight, we had made it to 30 weeks, Harper was very active (just like her big brother) she provided me with morning sickness for the entire course of the pregnancy (just like her big brother). We allowed ourself to be hopeful at this point, all signs pointed to perfect and our hearts did too. I was still considered a high risk pregnancy, but I was 'allowed' the option my using the hospital appointed team of midwives, as long as I was also seen to by our high risk doctor.
At a midwife appointment at 35weeks they felt uneasy about my fundal height, I was consistently measuring a minimum of 4 weeks behind but now I was measuring 28weeks. upon inspection (yet another ultrasound) Harper was nestled head down, engaged and happy. It was just, yet another variation of normal, for MY pregnancy. Harper was happy, unfortunately, I was not.
I found myself subconsciously distancing myself emotionally from Harper. I did, and still do feel like I was robbed of enjoying my pregnancy and enjoying my daughter being nurtured inside my body. I had a lot of 'woe is me' moments, I was nothing but scared and that's okay. I struggle remembering the feelings I had towards my daughter, its upsetting to admit I ever felt that way. I had ante-natal depression. I am not ashamed of that in the slightest. There were times where in private whilst pregnant I had stated that I didn't want her, I couldn't do this and I couldn't be strong for her, none of this is true, but it conveyed my feelings at the time and is NORMAL to feel this way. Whether you have a complication free pregnancy or a high risk pregnancy, whether it is your first pregnancy or you 5th, it is normal. We had a genetic counsellor and a family counsellor with us every step of the way and I am thankful.
Is still cry about it to this day, I cry for the lost time I can never get back, for not relishing the time I had connected with my daughter in our own private world. I cry for the thoughts I had about her, I cry for playing the blame game. Most of all I cry because I am blessed, I cry tears of happiness as I realise that none of that truly matters now. I have my daughter, others are not so lucky, this does not take away any meaning from my personal feelings, but its an aide to look towards the positive and not the negative, for those children lost, for those parents suffering.
If Harper has taught me anything, it is that I don't have to be strong, I have to be honest. I was never emotionally ready to meet her, but in the end, its not me who decides that anyway. On August 10, 2010, harper decided I was ready...
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