Mummy, what are you doing?

Life has never been the same, I have 2 lovely shadows to help me through the day.

Going to the toilet. 
The bathroom is an exciting place, if you are in there surely you must be doing something really cool.
"Mummy, what are you doing in there"
Be prepared for your toddler to take a high level of interest in your bowel movements.
"Can I see it Mum" 
..But you receive positive reinforcement that your toileting practices are on par.
"Good job going to the toilet"


Hanging out the washing.
Remember the lush pile of freshly washed clothes look very similar to a jumpy castle, the only reason a lot of freshly washed clothes would be sitting in a basket is for a toddler to run and jump in, of course!

If a crawling baby see's this action, she will try to assist in the removal of the toddler by carefully removing the clothes from the basket, licking them during the process to test if they are still clean.

See also Folding clothes:
Any clothing that made it through the jump and taste test move on the fold test, to avoid going back a step to the jumpy castle, enlist the toddler to help, it returns some lovely artistic style clothing origami.

Cooking
I love to have the toddler help me cook, and he loves to help.
"I think our pizza needs more pineapple"
Prepare for mess, and usually an odd combination of foods, mainly...  99%  of pizza's made by toddler is pineapple, it would be 100% but we ran out of pineapple.

Prepare for a mad dash to pick up a high allergy baby from eating the ingredients off the floor, the ingredients that did live on the pizza before the toddler decided he needed to carry it to show daddy. Comedic scene follows as toddler mourns the loss of his creation, then continues to pull all the ingredients back out of the cupboard/fridge to make another, while mummy is trying to comfort him, stop the creation of more mess while picking up the original mess and keeping the baby from eating it.

Then run to the shops to get more pineapple to repeat the last two steps.

Showering
Beware of the mass of toys that live in the shower, they are slippery when wet and leave Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shaped bruises on your butt when you fall onto them.

If you choose to have your shower soaps in the form of  pump bottle, you choose to have the majority of it used on the first wash, after all its pretty cool and the toddler just has to keep on pressing that pump.

There will be fights over toys in the shower, a baby slides along wet tiles when a toddler wants the toys she has. Baby laughs, then it turns into a very squishy game of bowl the baby. Its hard to explain to the toddler that its not such  great idea when the baby is laughing about it.

You can shower alone, if its your third shower for the day and you choose to do it sometime after midnight.

Eating
To toddlers, food looks better when it is on someone else's plate. the family has to sit as close as possible when eating, preferably on top of each other, so toddler can search through everyone's plates.

I love that my day is surrounded by my children, I do not mind that a 2 minute chore takes 2 hours, life goes by so fast, slowing down and involving the kids in every aspect that they want to be involved in is worth it.
One day they won't be so interested in my daily life, but I will always be interested in theirs.

The Net

The internet is a strange place. It is a highly useful tool that comes with alot of downfalls. In the 'real world' if you don't like or agree with something, you don't actively seek out participation. On the internet, everything is a click away, very tempting. There is a parenting war going on - in the 'real world' you meet like minded mama's, you make friends you discuss things that are relevant to you and you have common interests, you share and support one another, if you don't click with a certain group of people you avoid that situation. In the internet world there is alot of searching out people that are different, just to criticise differences...odd.

I do not go down to my local shopping centre daily, stand in the doorway and actively search for someone who is different to me, just so I can tell them they are different. Yet, everyday, someone does that online. They join a parenting group or forum just to be the 'keyboard warrior' who rattles the cages of something they have no interest in or interest to even learn about. Hiding behind our screens we feel invincible, emotions are distant and opinions run rampant.

Its not 'just' the internet though, actions have consequences, everything you do online, has an equal consequence in the 'real word', there are real people behind that screen, with feelings and emotions. Take a step back, think, if this was in the real world, if this was me sitting in a cafe listening to a group of mothers have a discussion at the table next to me, what would I do. You'd like to think you'd do the same thing, I doubt that in most cases.

Since when do you waltz into an group of complete strangers and announce their opinions are wrong, and if you happen to do so, do you honestly expect them to just hang their heads in shame and smile politely. Since when would you go that one step further and go through all the trouble to become a member of a group of people if you in no way agree with ANY of their opinions or thoughts. What is the point?

Yet, online, it seems like it happens constantly, in search of drama, there is no such thing as simple avoidance. Don't like something, you do not have to participate in it. Feel like you've be ganged up on, I say you most likely deserved it, what else would you expect. If it is clear what people stand for in a particular situation and you openly suggest otherwise...honestly now..and no, writing 'no offence' before the statement does not change a thing, it means you KNOW the information will most likely not be accepted by a group of people, yet YOU CHOOSE to still be a part of it. You are responsible for your own actions, feel baited into something by someone? Its your choice how you react. We can't control others, you can only hope to control yourself.

Personally, I'd prefer to go to my local shopping centre, & stand in the doorway with the mind set of finding help, finding people who seem to be similar to me, who seem to have answers to questions I have, or have questions that I have answers for. Actively seeking difference will only lead to frustration on my part, its okay to want to help people, to try to get people to see other types of methods of parenting (or whatever it is you are a part of) but in the end it should be more about being happy with yourself and your own choice, in the end its about how you are raising your own children, not anyone elses.

I'm not saying don't care, I'm simply saying that the your world does in fact revolve around you, making someone else's troubles, problems, opinions etc.. the centre instead can put your own world out of balance. By all means help, but try to make sure you are still the one orbiting that sun, and others opinions are merely visiting, don't let them take over the real point of whatever it is you are apart of.

Support comes best from those who have something in common, or those who have been through the same experience and arrived at the same outcome you're looking for with techniques you are interested in. Don't actively seek support in places you have nothing in common with, unless you are genuinely interested in the opposite opinions with an open mind.

Mostly, love all day.

Through the eyes...

"I have a sister, she is tiny. I like to hug her, she is smaller than me, but soon she will grow. We will grow together and be best friends, then she can play games with me. I love her. I have a family, Mummy, Daddy, Harper and Mason. We play games, my favourite is hide and seek."

"I love Buzz lightyear, to infinity and beyond, I love Woody too. My name starts with a M. I like to help mummy cook. I am 3 this year. I like golf, basketball and my bike. I want to do Parkour like Daddy"

Mason. 2.5 years
Spoken by Mason, written by Mummy.

I am a boy, she is a girl.

My son knows all about a woman's menstrual cycle, he asks questions and I answer them. He knows I bleed sometimes, has seen my menstrual products and asks how they are used and what they are for. He knows daddy doesn't, but it gets a tad confusing for the poor little might when he says "When I grow up I'm going to have a period!".. Case in point: Young children have no idea about gender and sexuality. So why are we so overly concerned if a boy wears pink or a girl plays with trucks. Its an adult perception once again pushed on children.

Naturally they do not see things as gender-specific, certainly there are different preferences between children, but that is called personality...not sexuality or gender-stereotyping.  Back to the previous subject of dummies again, I forgot to mention a small detail (slipped my mind...why? because it doesn't matter!) my sons preferable dummy at the moment is PINK *gasp*. This of course was mentioned at the outing, when bought up my son took it out of his mouth looked at the colour, shrugged his shoulders and went back to playing. I was then bombarded with questions, "How can you let him have a pink dummy"...Erm, his choice.. I was most shocked when someone looked horridly disapproving sighed and simply said "Oh..Katie".

That was when I proudly announced his favourite show at the moment is Angelina Ballerina, he asked for an Angelina themed birthday party and practises ballet whilst the show is on. Then the horrible word came out, the word I see so often bought up when discussion over boys and the colour pink is raised .. aren't you worried about him being gay along with the classic  you are confusing him sexually. No my friends you are confusing him sexually, what is sexual about pink, what about that wonderful colour is leading my son down a certain life path at the ripe old age of 2. "oh well it IS a girls colour"..again with these magical invisible rules.. at that point I can only *facepalm*.

*on a side note I have some wonderful gay friends who inform me they were never into any typical 'girl' things as a child, the only thing that defines them as homosexual is their sexual preference*... And you know what, whether into stereotypical reverse-gender things or not..the only thing that defines someones sexual orientation IS their sexual preference.

 Mason is getting to the age where he is working out their are differences between boys and girls, but a shocking find, colour has never been raised as a 'difference'. So far he has noticed anatomy, boys have a penis girls have a vagina. When will adults realise that differences between male and female is anatomy, kids have it right, lets listen to them for a change instead of changing their views on the world.

Once again we re shaming children,we are forcing adult views into wonderful minds.

What a shame.

Since when is it okay to tease a child? Whether you like something they are doing/ wearing etc or not, it is simply not acceptable. My 2.5 year old is very attached to his dummy (called a Binky in our house),  we are in no hurry to get rid of it, he will when he is ready, he happens to still like to comfort suck, what of it?. We do not limit his use of it whether at home or in public, on occasion we do ask him to remove it to talk so we can understand him - making conversations less frustrating for both parties, but for the most part it is a non-issue. His binky is never a substitute for love and affection, it is never 'plug up and shut up' device. With his hugs and cuddles he likes his bink. If  Iwere still breastfeeding him, I would allow comfort nursing sucking without limit, instead of/with the use of a bink!

At a family gathering a few days ago, his dummy use came up a few times. I can handle people telling me their thoughts on the subject I can ignore or thank them for their concern and go on my merry way, but when people start saying things to my toddler, its a different ballgame.

"You look so ugly with that in"
Umm... excuse me, the binky may be unsightly to you, but don't say my child looks ugly

"You're a big boy now, you don't need that"
I'm sorry, I was unaware of this magical age where a childs needs instantly change, I'm sorry sir you are now 35 you no longer need that pillow to sleep, you shouldn't need that comfort, you're a man now.

*upon walking past my child on the way outside to have a cigarette*
"Take that silly thing out of your mouth"
Really? Come on now! Your form of comfort is sucking on that death stick, I'd much prefer my child was your age still sucking on his binky....thank-you-very-much.


Just a few of the many comments said directly to my child. My 2.5 year has a binky, he is quietly sitting in the kids corner playing with a train set, he is happy, healthy, smart, talkative and gorgeous, we should definitely get rid of that binky it is quite obviously corrupting him, the invisible age law comes into affect and its just not right!

No wonder there is so much stereotyping, class separation in the schooling system, they are taught that certain things are just not acceptable at certain ages. To play with toys, run, jump, make fortes and skip is not deemed 'cool or grown up' therefore you are separated into groups of 12 year olds (those that are children and those that are mini adults) and they ostrasized and bullied for 'being babies', now people are doing that to children as young as 2!... I am in my mid 20's and enjoy jumping in puddles. . :/  Our kids grow up fast enough without forcing this 'big boy' nonsense - "Big boys use the toilet", "big boys don't have dummies", its shaming a child into growing up, its teasing a child.

Don't shame your children for being children!

The road to our child. Part 6.

Harper, a few hours old.

This is the last post, I promise :).

Harper was born at 6:50pm on August 15, 2010 at 37+6 weeks gestation (give or take) she weighed in at 2.4kg. Harper was in an odd position for birth, sunny side up and on a slight angle, with every contraction I had she would turn her head (trying to position herself better perhaps), which the midwives say lead to the stop/start labour and the slow dilation. I believe a big part of it was my emotional unease at meeting her that lead to the length of time between first contraction and birth, by the end I had let go, I was ready and so was she. Her APGAR scores were 10 & 10, not only was she alive, but she was PERFECT. She was born with a large birth mark on top of her head, the birth mark has incredibly dark thick hair over it, the rest of her hair is blonde, this is no relations to the Hygroma. After Harper was born 3 different Paediatricians (with different hierarchy in the hospital) performed detailed checks on her, not one could fault her. Our daughter is that 1 child out of 100,000, our daughter is healthy.

We are still being told by the professionals that there could be problems that present themselves in the future, that it is still a waiting game to see her mental capabilities and growth as she ages. But, to them I say, a big ole pfffffffffffttttt....She is now 8 months old, she is sitting, standing and crawling, she is normal. She is still small, only 5.4kg, she has numerous allergies including CMPA (cows milk protein allergy),severe reflux and has been hospitalised twice for failure to thrive. None of these issues she is having can be traced back to the Cystic Hygroma, if we had never scanned and had never known, she would of been, for all intensive purposes a 'normal' pregnancy.  I am so glad that we decided either way, she is our child. If she was not born 'normal' (as the doctors say) my feelings would not differ, we would still be happy. We would be happy for the opportunity of knowing her and carrying her, we came to that realisation a while ago and it helped us through the what-ifs.

We took her to a chiropractor to try to help with the reflux, he was concerned about her, saying her trunk was shorter than the top half of her (she was out of proportion), and the back of her neck was shorter and wider than what he considers normal range, he was unable to do any work on that part because he could not even access it due to how short it was.  He ended by stating  that he was not a paediatrician of any kind but in his honest professional opinion she looks like she has some sort of 'genetic abnormality'.  We took this news back to our paediatrics, who assured us he could see nothing wrong with her structure. Paediatricians and Chiropractors aren't always on the same page and I wonder if the doctor had thought something was off with Harper but since she was seemingly doing well it was no cause for concern. I really don't know what to think of what the the Chiropractor said and quite honestly I don't care, I may be choosing to be blind, but my daughter is happy and that all that concerns me right now.

Looking back now, there are numerous things I would of done differently, even though the Hygroma wasn't picked up through routine testing, if we decide to have further children we will graciously decline them. What will be, will be and we are happy with that. I will not lose another pregnancy to facts, figures and worry. If you are experiencing a high risk pregnancy I tell you now, there is hope, medical advancements are wonderful, but not always accurate. Sometimes the ending is not so sweet, but my child beat the odds, there is no harm in hope. We were scared to hope, even told not to, they bombarded us with stories of failure and heartbreak, I am here to share a real story proving that there is a chance.

I lived in fear when Harper was younger, I thought we were too lucky, I feared constantly that she would be taken from us, that she would die, that this is all too good to be true and I've had some rough patches with post traumatic stress. I am relaxed now, we deserve this, we deserve a healthy child and Harper is here, time to stop dwelling and do some living.

Harper with her big brother Mason.

The road to our child. Part 5.

August 10, 2010 marked the beginning of the end of our journey, I was 37+1 weeks. Contractions started just as they did with my sons birth, middle of the morning, 15 minutes apart and out of nowhere that was the only similarity between my sons labour and Harpers. They were definitely there, but not intense enough for me to not go about my day. My In laws were in town, which was great timing on Harpers behalf. 

My son was born within 4 hours of feeling the first contraction and the contractions never became regular,  Harper's stayed at 15 minutes apart the entire day, So I just went about my day, hanging out with my son and being a family. I lost a large chunk of my mucous plug, that had never happened before and I was quite amazed at the size of it, I told my husband and he thought we should go to the hospital, I assured him that we still had time. I went to bed still contracting through the night. The next day the contractions were stronger, I had to concentrate on them at times to make it through they slowly become erratic, coming anywhere from  5 minutes to 10 minutes apart before settling back in at 15 minutes. 2 days  in and I was exhausted. 

Day 3 I decided to go to the hospital to have a chat with them, I was physically exhausted and the contractions were coming to a point where I was no longer able to talk through them. I consented to an internal, they confirmed I was in active labour at 5 and a bit cm dilated, the gave me the option of staying in hospital or going home. I chose to leave, knowing that these contractions were getting me somewhere gave me another boost of energy. We went out to dinner that night with my parents and my in-laws, both live quite a distance from us. It was wonderful to spend that time with everybody, we spent a lot of the 'down time' focusing on our son, we always remained open and honest about details of the pregnancy and what happens during birth with him. We went to bed refreshed and still pregnant.

Day 4 I ended up going back to the hospital, contractions were hitting hard and fast, to the point of having to squat on the ground in the car park to be able to get through them, we were close, they were now all over the place with no regularity but they were intense. I spent the next few hours in a birthing suit, bouncing on a pregnancy ball, which I was reluctant to do because they made the contractions a thousand times worse, the midwife assured me it would get the labour going, in the end I had to stop. I couldn't bounce and make it through the contractions. I ended up sitting on the ball, leaning my head onto the bed and just staring at the sheets to get though them. I consented to another internal, by this point the midwives were starting to worry about the intensity of the contractions and progression. I was only 6 cm dilated, I felt an extreme wave of let down, my body was working so hard, but I'm not doing it properly, this couldn't be further from the truth, my body was doing just fine, my body was doing great preparation. 

They decided they wanted to break my water and it may sound silly after the high intervention level so far, but I was not consenting to yet another. I was well aware of the trickle down effect that breaking my water would do, it was then I decided I had enough of all this intervention, I had new found energy. I hauled my heavily labouring pregnant self out of there, they gave me sleeping pills to try to get some rest and told me they would preferred if I stayed. I still cried on the way home, I made the right decision, but I was exhausted and ready.

I didn't take the pills, the intensity died down and I slept, I slept a sleep of exhaustion and peace. I woke up without a sign of labour, was all that a dream last night. We ended up going for a long drive to my husbands grandparents farm (over an hour away) tempting fate perhaps, we had a lovely family lunch and I sat rocking in the rocking chair most of the time to help my contractions, we hired some movies and went home to relax. It was now 6:10pm on August 15th 2010, 5 days after my first contraction. Halfway through the movie came a sudden onset of highly intense, very close contractions. As  I rocked on all fours on the floor in intense pain I told my husband I needed to go to the toilet, this happened through two more contractions until it clicked and he replied "No you don't, your having a baby!!". I was contracting hard & fast and was in a world of my own, it was a very comical scene as my husband tried to wrestle me to the car with me screaming "no, I don't want to move, don't move me, just leave me be!"

My MIL met us at the hospital and I was now simply staring as contractions hit, I would stare at the ceiling, or a spot on the floor, no yelling, no screaming, just pure concentration...and boy did it feel good! I guess that is why midwife on call did not believe I was very close to birthing, she put me in a monitoring room and took her sweet time to come have a chat to us, she finally had  look and announce "oh, your having a baby right now". I walked the 10 metres to a birthing room, my waters still intact and I had begun pushing as soon as I made it to the room, at this point I was actually comfortable laying on my back. The midwife offered me gas, I took it, I had 2 breathes of it and they took it back off me (apparently gas has a massive affect on me, and just those two hits made me exclaim that we were all in the matrix), so I started this naturally and I was finishing it naturally. I never felt the urge to push with my son, I simply did it because I was instructed to, with Harper I did. Two pushes and my child, my precious daughter who was not meant to even be here was laying on my chest, the time was 6:50pm, 40 minutes after my contractions picked back up again, 20 minutes after we arrived at the hospital. 

Harper Maree was earthside, the waiting game was over, or so we thought...

The road to our child. Part 4.

After the CVS, the rest of the pregnancy was a waiting game.  We had regular structural scans to watch growth, the main focus still the heart, but also watching for any stunted growth. A major heart scan was done at around 30 weeks, when her tiny heart was big enough for an in depth analysis. The sonographer looked at her heart for over an hour, detailed views, watching blood flow etc. Harper had a perfect heart. We were on the right track, 10 weeks, give or take, and we would know for sure. For the first time in months we were optimistic.

At our weekly sit down with our doctor he told us there was a slight cause for concern with her structure, he asked for our heights, based on genetics our children would most likely be on the smaller side. She was small, not overly small so that in itself wasn't a big issue, the problem was she seemed out of proportion, the top half being longer than her bottom half.Yet another calling card for potential genetic problems. Now, to me, scans are not the most accurate thing in the world, I take everything they say via looking at the scans with a certain amount of leeway, however with the mountain of 'calling cards' she exhibited, along with the mounds of statistics thrown at us, it was yet another let down.

We were on the home straight, we had made it to 30 weeks, Harper was very active (just like her big brother) she provided me with morning sickness for the entire course of the pregnancy (just like her big brother). We allowed ourself to be hopeful at this point, all signs pointed to perfect and our hearts did too.  I was still considered a high risk pregnancy, but I was 'allowed' the option my using the hospital appointed team of midwives, as long as I was also seen to by our high risk doctor.

At a midwife appointment at 35weeks they felt uneasy about my fundal height, I was consistently measuring a minimum of 4 weeks behind but now I was measuring 28weeks. upon inspection (yet another ultrasound) Harper was nestled head down, engaged and happy. It was just, yet another variation of normal, for MY pregnancy. Harper was happy, unfortunately, I was not.

I found myself subconsciously distancing myself emotionally from Harper. I did, and still do feel like I was robbed of enjoying my pregnancy and enjoying my daughter being nurtured inside my body. I had a lot of 'woe is me' moments,  I was nothing but scared and that's okay.  I struggle remembering the feelings I had towards my daughter, its upsetting to admit I ever felt that way. I had ante-natal depression. I am not ashamed of that in the slightest. There were times where in private whilst pregnant I had stated that I didn't want her, I couldn't do this and I couldn't be strong for her, none of this is true, but it conveyed my feelings at the time and is NORMAL to feel this way. Whether you have a complication free pregnancy or a high risk pregnancy, whether it is your first pregnancy or you 5th, it is normal. We had a genetic counsellor and a family counsellor with us every step of the way and I am thankful.

Is still cry about it to this day, I cry for the lost time I can never get back, for not relishing the time I had connected with my daughter in our own private world. I cry for the thoughts I had about her, I cry for playing the blame game. Most of all I cry because I am blessed, I cry tears of happiness as I realise that none of that truly matters now. I have my daughter, others are not so lucky, this does not take away any meaning from my personal feelings, but its an aide to look towards the positive and not the negative, for those children lost, for those parents suffering.

If Harper has taught me anything, it is that I don't have to be strong, I have to be honest. I was never emotionally ready to meet her, but in the end, its not me who decides that anyway. On August 10, 2010, harper decided I was ready...

The road to our child. Part 3.

The decision was made, no matter what we would continue on with the pregnancy, we will let our child decide her future, not us. A lot of the laws around termination had just changed,  in the weeks leading up to the decision I spent a lot of time talking to a friend who had been put in a similar situation, her 1st child had an only one chamber heart, her child would never take her first breathe, the decision her family made was to 'terminate', this meant she would be induced and would hold her baby, name her and kiss her goodbye. (My friend has been blessed with two healthy beautiful children since, not a day goes by that I don't think of her heartbreak and how our stories could be so similar)

We had numerous conversations with our doctor, I wanted to know if this would be the case for us, if our child was 'not viable for life' and I decided I could not carry that weight on my shoulders, would I be allowed to birth her, would she be a person, would I be able to hold her, kiss her and tell her how sorry I am? His answer: plain and simple no. Our decision was set in stone.

Even though we were continuing no matter what, we did agree to a CVS, we wanted to be prepared, perhaps we were looking for any kind of positive news. There was no option to reverse our decision to keep our child if the result came back bad, the CVS was performed at 12 weeks gestation, the results take over 3 weeks to return and the 'cut off date' for termination given to us was 16 weeks, we made a blind decision to trust our baby.

A CVS can pick up numerous chromosomal problems, but not all that were associated with a Cystic Hygroma. The process is something I never want to got through again, the held down my baby so she couldn't move and knock the instrument that was scraping at her placenta, I was physically and emotionally bruised after it.

Positive news came, the CVS results came back perfect, they also came back with the news we were carrying a girl. Good old  Doctor 'bad news' was quick to remind us that the results only knocked  few possibilities out of contention and that now she is clear of Trisomy 12, 18 and 21, the possibility that she has a    major physical deformity has jumped to 'almost certain'. Meaning there is something wrong with her brain or heart that most likely makes her not viable for life. We agreed to routine structural scans, they wanted to focus mainly on the heart. They told us not to get our hopes up, that the Hygroma is not showing any signs of shrinking, in fact it was growing with her, when in most cases Hygroma's shrink as the baby grows.

On the way home from the positive news I felt like we should be celebrating a win, but all we were doing is hearing the doctors telling us that something is not right and that our daughter still only has a 1 in 100,000 chance of being born healthy. The odds they gave didn't change when the CVS came back, it added stress, it added even more what-ifs.  A song came on the radio, we listened, we cried. My husband and I looked at each other, I cannot believe I've uttered these words, we said "I would like this song at her funeral". It was a dark time, we couldn't focus on the positive, how could we, everyone was telling us not to, everyone was preparing us for loss. I cry remember planning the 'if' she didn't make it, why couldn't we just focus on that IF it did happen and enjoy having her grow as a part of me, as a part of our family. I cannot listen to that song any more, its an instant trigger, my husband on the other hand loves it, he says it reminds him that we beat the odds and we have a daughter, I wish I had his positive spirit, it only reminds me of the pain and how I feel like I was robbed of enjoying my beautiful pregnancy.

We now know our child is a precious baby girl, we name her right away. She is our child, with a name, she is a person, she is Harper Maree...

The road to our child. Part 2.

Yes, Termination.

I remember it clearly, my son was playing with a red balloon, laughing as he bumped it against my head. My husband, whom during the discussion with the doctor had somewhat drifted away to the corner of the office, was visibly holding back tears. The doctor had called our child Abnormal. I, at the time, didn't really fully comprehend why she would suggest termination. I wasn't well researched on any of the syndromes she had stated, nor was I aware that the following months would be full of scare tactics, percentages and numbers.

Upon exiting the office you had to walk through the waiting room to exit the building, I felt like everybody knew, we must of looked so solemn, it felt like people where staring at us whispering "She's carrying a abnormal child", I thought maybe they were all trying to guess what sort of news we had gotten. When I look back at it now, I don't even know why I considered what everyone else was thinking, perhaps a sort of reflection on what I was thinking, perhaps a way of coping with all the feelings of uncertainty.

We left with referrals to the hospital for a Genetic councillor, a sonographer and a team of midwives. My husband rang his mum from the car, we only made it 2km down the road before we had to pull over. When my mother in law answered the phone, my husband let go, he cried, she couldn't understand him, so she just sat on the other end of the phone and cried with him, not knowing why. That night my Mother in law was on our doorstep. I cannot thank her enough. She lives 13hours away, when she hung up the phone she left work and boarded a plane directly, she didn't even bring clothes with her she bought a new wardrobe and toiletries upon landing, bless her.

We met up with the lead sonogrpaher at the hospital, my father in law offered to fly us to our capital city for the best medical care we could receive, turns out our hospital already had the best in that field. The doctor was very 'say it how it is' and after all the time I spent with him I still can't work out if I liked him for that or not.

We were given another full run down of why my pregnancy was now classed as High Risk. We were finally given options, none of them seemed to hold much hope at this point in time.

Termination was again at the top of the list. Next was to have a CVS (Chorionic Villus Sampling) or Amniocentesis, still after these two options were laid in front of us it was followed by..then make the decision to terminate or not. The doctors were pushing for a CVS, they can be done sooner than amnio's. I wish I could say that the thought of termination never crossed our minds, but I'd be lying. We went home and stewed on it for a couple of weeks, what our lives would be like if we had a physically or mentally (or both) disabled child, we have another child to care for. Were we emotionally strong enough to carry a child knowing that any moment that precious life will no longer have a heartbeat, could we go through with this pregnancy knowing that there is a very high chance I will be birthing a child that never takes a breath, or if the child was born alive their estimated life span may be a mere 7 hours.

We talked, we cried, we begged, we pleaded, we came to a decision.

The road to our child. Part 1.

This is going to be a long story so I'll just separate it into a few parts to make it easier to read.

I have a daughter, she is 8months old, she is smart and beautiful, she is our own miracle. 

We found out we were expecting another child the day after my husband and I married. Between dealing with the wedding arrangements and our 1st child, an amazing 14 month old boy (at the time), we really had no idea of dates and how far along we were. So we went to our GP for a confirmation, they checked HCG levels and sent us for a dating scan.  Everything was looking great our beautiful child had a strong heartbeat and the ultrasound estimated we were about 6 weeks along  with an EDD of Early September.

Our GP called and asked to see us again, my HCG levels were not consistent with the dating scan, they were more than tripled the expected level for only 6 weeks gestation. (1,080 - 56,500 mIU/ml is the average normal HCG level, mine were 0ver 200,000)  We were told numerous reasons, the baby could of stopped growing (and I was actually much further along) or I was in fact carrying multiples that the original scan somehow missed. We were sent for another scan, by this time we were around  7 weeks. The ultrasound went great, our childs heartbeat was still strong, growth was considered normal for the estimated gestation of  7 weeks and there was definitely only one inhabitant in there. We, to this day, do not have a confirmed reason as to why my HCG levels were not consistent our GP had skimmed over the fact that the pregnancy may have started as a multiple gestation but one (or more) may not have 'progressed'. While the high HCG levels were not a cause for concern, they were the beginning of our long journey.

After the 2nd ultrasound we had two weeks of pregnancy bliss, before our world came crashing down following a phone call from our doctor asking us to immediately come back in re: our latest ultrasound. My husband left work to come to the appointment, after all who gets a call back from their doctor if it isn't horrible news. With our son on my lap and my husband standing beside me we got told our child has a cystic hygroma.  Which is basically a lymphatic malformation, our child had a sack of fluid running from the top of her head to the base of her spine. Our GP went on to to spout all the facts and figures.

• It can occur in as much as 1% of foetuses between 9 and 16 weeks of pregnancy. (Our daughters was found at 7 weeks)
• If a cystic Hyrgoma resolves itself by week 20, the outcome for good is around 54-80%. 
• If not resolved the potential of a good outcome is dropped to 2-9% (our daughters did not resolve until somewhere between 29-32 weeks gestation)
• It is associated with Turners Syndrome, chromosomal abnormalities such as Trisomy 13, 18 and 21 (Patau, Edward and Down Syndrome) and Noonan Syndrome.
• Fetal Hydrops occurs 22-76% with all cystic Hygroma's and is almost always associated with miscarriage or fetal death. 

Our Doctor looked us in the eye and told us "We highly recommend you terminate this pregnancy"

Mason

Mason,
29 months old, 2.5 years of pure joy, you are an amazing person. You are beautiful inside and out. You talk with such enthusiam, your words hold so much meaning to me. Just recently you've started to really get into using your imagination, oh the place yous go and the things you see, its magnificant listening to you as you tell wild stories and adventures. You are active you love to run and jump (especially jump!!).

You've been very interested in Daddy's job and you eagerly watch, we didn't realise just how much untill you began to do stretches in the living room, demonstrating perfectly executed stretches and yoga postions. We've never taught you this, you are so eager to do as Daddy does that you taught yourself by watching. When we asked you what you were doing, you told us that you were stretching and that "You need to stretch before you do Parkour, because Parkour is allllllll about safety". Your daddy (and mummy) were bursting with pride.

Please remember that enthusiasm for life and learning, you have such amazement in your eyes and as a mother I dream that the sparkle never dims, you beam so bright. You are very funny, you tell jokes and just incase daddy or I don't get it you follow up with "just joking you", a sense of humour is important.. fun is funny and there is lots of fun to be had.You are loving. Your baby sister looks at you like there is no one else in the world and you are such a wonderful big brother to her. When people are upset you are the first to offer comfort, such a great feat for someone so small, you truly feel for others, what a great young man you are.

I love you.

I love you all day.

Every day.

For Always.

Love all Day.
K

Show them who you want them to be, don't tell them.

I am but one person in the sea of thousands of millions. But to two people I am THE one person. I am mum.

My toddler has a new game where he sings everything that pops into his head and with joy I find that usually the song is about me.

"Oh mummy, oh mummy, buzz lightyear and my mummy,"

Okay, so Buzz Lightyear is up there with the best of us, but I am proud to be lumped into the same toddler catergory as him. It's also a reminder that I (and his father) am the main person in his life, I am what he thinks about,  he is watching my every move, using my actions as a learning tool to develop life skills.

As parents we do shape our childrens lives, our actions do determine our childs growth. But, I feel I am merely supporting them in their life journey, not choosing their journey for them. Therefore it is even more important to remember your child is watching you, learning from & thinking about you everyday. Alot of people complain 'my child doesn't listen to me', this may be so but your child is definitly watching you. Actions speak louder than words anyway, so save your breath, talking is only 1/3 of the puzzle. If I don't expect it of myself I don't expect it of my child, my thoughts, personality & feelings do not hold any more weight then those of my child.

Want your child to be someone great...then show them what someone great looks like. Want your child to be kind and loving...then show them what someone kind and loving looks like.

And while doing so.
Love all day.
K.

Harper.

Harper,

Wow you are 7.5 months old now. What a ride we've been on. You are amazing. Honestly, mummy has struggled and I'm sorry. When you cry (scream) and I have no idea what is wrong, it kills me, nobody has any answers for us. Nobody can help us, you are obviously in pain but we can't find a reason. I am sorry, I am trying so very hard to help you.

You now weigh 5.3kg and I have a feeling its only going to go up from here, I am so proud of you. You started crawling a month ago, you are so tiny that its disgustingly cute to see you chase your brother around. Ah! Your brother, he loves you so much. I watch you both interact it warms my heart to know you are loved so much. He will always be there for you, sometimes it might not seem like it, but I see how he looks at you, cares for you. He told me last night "Harper and me and best friends when we grow"

We love you Harper. Daddy, Mummy & Mason, we love you so terribly much. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. You are screaming out to us and we don't understand, I hope that you can feel us, you can sense that we are working on it.

Have I told you lately I'm proud of you. Did you know the doctors told us that we most likely wouldn't get to hold you in our arms. Did you know that not only did we get to hold you, but you were born so perfect. Tiny, but perfect. I cry out of guilt for having a hard time struggling with all this, when in reality things could of been so much worse. You are a joy.

I love you all day.

Mummy.

"Love you All Day"

Bit of an odd title for a blog, but we live our life by it.  To my son, who is 29 months old, time has no real meaning. The longest amount of time he knows is one whole day.  That is the greatest amount of time his mind can comprehend..it may as well be a lifetime. He tells us.... you guessed it..

"Love you all day"

His version of 'I love you for ever and always, no matter what'. The sweetest sentimate I've ever heard in my life.  So it has special meaning to us.

Mummy: "Goodnight buddy, have a good sleep"

Son: "Nye Mummy, Love you aallllllllll day"
Mummy: "Love you thhhiiiiissss much"
Son: "Yes, Thhhiiissss much, moon and back, all day"

He has taught me more, than I can every teach him.

His "all day" is my "Smack me in the face with reality".   Its so innocent. It is pure love without concept of time.  Soon he will grow, time will consume him like it does the rest of us. He will grow up. He will probably not remember when his thought process meant that he only had a day. There is nothing beyond a day at that age. I try to remember that in our everyday lives.  'Tantrums' over not being able to have what he wants when he wants it, i must remember in his mind it is now or never. I must stop procrastinating in my life, I can put it off untill tomorrow, what if my mind 'knew' there was no tomorrow, imagine what I would want to do, would want to say. I only have 'all day'. I will use my day, even though as adults we 'know' the next day will come, I will use that day too, because we do not know when tomorrow will not exist to us.

I love him. I love him all day. Every day, every week, every year, every breath.

Love All Day
K.